What is going on with my girl?”
A mom came to me and asked why her little girl was behaving in an unusual and puzzling way.
She started full-day kindergarten this year, and over the course of each week, she becomes
more sullen, defiant, hostile towards her sibling and difficult to connect with. Over the
course of the weekend, she goes back to her usual self. But then the school week starts again
and the cycle continues.
The mom had spoken with her child’s teacher and was told the little girl was doing fine
in school.
Well, at least, it appeared so.
One of the things I learned as a teacher of young children is that even the “best behaved”
children at school, (or preschool or daycare) could become difficult and even unmanageable
at home.
When I would tell parents how great their kids were doing at preschool, they often couldn’t
believe it.
So one year I decided to start making videos, at the parents’ requests, of the kids in my
preschool.
I was in a co-teaching situation and the other teacher totally supported what I was doing.
We had a very strong parent education component in our program and she agreed that
a video was a great way for parents to get a better understanding (and appreciation) of their
children.
I would videotape their child for a good part of one day and then I’d invite the parents
in to watch the video. They were almost always flabbergasted at how well behaved and
mature their children were at school because that “good behaviour” was not what they were
seeing at home.
We would then have a great talk about developmental norms and why it was in some
ways easier for their children to do well at preschool/daycare than at home.
There were, of course, some children who had a hard time at preschool and at home.
There were always good reasons for that.
But the kind of behaviours that most parents were seeing at home, which were very
similar to the ways the mom in the store described her daughter’s behaviour each week, is
generally symptomatic of one overarching cause – and that is stress.
Stress is defined as “an organism’s total response to environmental
demands or pressures.”
Light stress can be exciting and challenging, like when you try something new for the first
time or when a toddler lets go of your hand and takes a step.
But when demands and pressures become overwhelming, stress is negative.
Many people find it difficult to think of children as having stress -“they don’t have to
work, they don’t have to worry about money, they get to play a lot. What’s so hard about
that?”
But if we are honest, we have to acknowledge that being a child is very very stressful
and that there are actually many demands and pressures put on children that are difficult and
challenging.
Many child development specialists are saying that children
are more stressed than ever.
Here in North America, we may not be in a war zone, but many children are living in pressured
and hurried families. Many children are in homes with family conflict, economic uncertainty,
unstable child care, parents who are so busy and caught up in their own problems that they
have little time for their children.
And in some school districts, the academic demands on children are getting more intense
and at younger and younger ages.
Many parents feel that they must enroll their children in as many activities as possible
so they don’t “fall behind.”
Children actually have very little freedom. The time of “carefree childhood” has almost
disappeared.
Because of our hurried and pressured lives, children are routinely told what to do and
what not to do.
They are told when to stop,
and they are told when to go,
what they can or can’t have,
how to behave,
how not to behave,
what they can eat,
what they can’t eat,
when they can eat,
what they can wear,
whom they can play with,
what to touch what not to touch,
when to get in the car,
where they can ride their bike,
not to whine,
to clean up their toys,
get into the bath,
get out of the bath,
sit still,
listen to the teacher,
don’t touch the person next to you,
to hurry up,
to slow down,
that you can’t read to them now,
that you’re late,
that you have to go to work and they can’t stay home,
that it’s time for soccer,
be nice to your sister, or brother,
etc, etc.
[1]That’s a lot of pressure and stress!So, getting back to the mom and her situation with her daughter, it is useful to really
take a look at how any group situation can compound children’s stress.
Of course, all children are different and some children are much more immune to stressors
than others.
But for many children, being in a group situation is very stressful. They need to make
many adjustments:
• they need to deal with separation from their loved ones.
• they need to conform to the norms of the group setting.
• they need to “perform” according to the routines and schedules of the group experience.
• they need to build a relationship with new adults who may or may not treat them as their
parents do.
As they progress through school, the performance demands increase as do concerns about
friendships and peer pressures.
So many children will “pull it together” in the group setting as a way to feel more comfortable,
but they are putting out tremendous effort to do that.
Once they are in the safety of their home, they can “let go” and all their stress and
anxiety comes cascading out.
I remember when my daughter Elena was in kindergarten. She had, from my perspective,
one of the most amazing teachers I have ever met. Her classroom was so full of love,
care, creativity, and excitement about learning. The children were always engaged and happy.
But at one point Elena became very anxious about school. She was reluctant to go. Neither
her teacher nor I could figure it out. She was well integrated into the classroom, she learned
easily, she had friends…what was it?
I always spent lots of time with my kids when they were tucking into bed. I found that
in the quiet dark, we could talk about things that didn’t come up over the course of the day.
Each night, while Elena was going through this, I would try to coax out from her what
was bothering her about school.
Finally, one night, she blurted out, in tears, that her teacher, whom she loved, kept telling
everyone to “do their best”. “But I can’t be the best!” cried Elena. Somehow, in her little
5-year-old mind, she had convinced herself that doing her best meant she had to be the best.
Imagine what a source of stress and anxiety this would be for a five-year-old or for any
child who felt that kind of pressure on them. Or for anyone who felt that kind of pressure on
them.
Once I clarified what the teacher meant and her teacher did the same, Elena was fine
and went happily back to school.
Our children are really so tender and fragile. It is so easy
for them to get overwhelmed and when they do, they often
“behave badly”.
Stress is hard on everyone, and yet parents often don’t think of it in terms of their children.
Think about your children… what possible stressors are in their lives?
• Are they too rushed or hurried?
• Do they have demands placed on them that are beyond their capacity to handle?
• Are they in group settings or activities that are too pressured for them?
• Are they getting enough quiet, connected, and unhurried affectionate time with you?
• [2]Are they spending too much time in front of screens?
• Are you spending too much time in front of screens?
• Are they getting enough time outdoors?
• Are they having enough unstructured play time?
• Are they eating well?
In our hurried, rushed lives we often don’t have or take the time to really listen and to really
connect with our kids to help them get centred in themselves.
This week, take a look at how much focused and connected time you are spending with
your children. It’s the best antidote to their stress.
Next week I’ll talk about signs and sources of stress in children of different ages and
ways to address them.